Remembering

Today is the 6th anniversary of the passing of someone I love very deeply. Casey and I were high school sweethearts. I adored his blue eyes and his gorgeous smile. Plus he was on the football & wrestling team - that didn't hurt either. ;) We were the "it" couple, at least it seemed that way to us! We dated off and on during our sophomore year through senior year. We graduated in 2003 and went our separate ways but we reunited again during the summer of 2005. The timing was all wrong and we split again, and just a year and half or so later...he was gone. Just like that. Completely gone from my life. Forever.

Casey & I - Sophomore Homecoming

Casey was one of those people who could walk into a room and light the whole place up. He had a contagious smile and a hearty laugh. He went full steam ahead with everything he was involved in. He was persistent, strong willed, smart, and had the biggest heart of anyone I've ever known. He always had "pep" in his step. 

Casey never sat back and just let life happen. He went after whatever it was that he wanted and usually, eventually, he got it. Casey also had a soft heart; he wasn't intimidated by his emotions and he was able to express them freely, at least with me. Everyone, and I mean everyone loved Casey. Whether you knew him well, or barely knew him, you adored him. He was "that" guy. 

Casey with his Grandma & Mom on his 21st Birthday

Casey has an amazing family; his mother and I are still close to this day. (Love you Shannon, XO)  Casey was a Momma's boy, but that was okay with me - his mom is amazing and she loves him more than anything. He adored her and would do anything for her. I loved his grandparents and especially his great grandparents.  I couldn't begin to say enough about the amazing people he had in his life. I felt blessed to a part of their family; I always felt like I belonged with them. Casey was a part of my family too. My mom and brother adored him. We were always together and always with our families; we did everything together. 

Casey & MaMaw

After Casey and I split up the last time, we lost contact with one another, for a few reasons. Then, on May 31, 2007 I got a message on facebook from a mutual friend. He wanted to know if I'd heard about Casey. 

My stomach dropped immediately. Never in a million years would I have anticipated what I was about to be told. I was told that Casey had committed suicide the night before. I couldn't believe it. Hell, to be honest, some days I still don't believe it. Just call me "in denial." It's okay, I won't hold it against you. 

I was frozen solid in place - I couldn't do anything. I didn't want to believe it but I was terrified that it could be true. The only way for me to know for sure was to call Shannon but I didn't want to bother her if it was true. I finally got ahold of myself and made the call. Casey's stepdad answered the phone and confirmed that what I'd heard was true. I was completely and utterly devastated. 

When Casey passed I was in the first trimester of my pregnancy with Addison. When it came time for Casey's funeral, I couldn't go. The morning of, I got up and showered. I laid out my clothes. I was going to go. Except I couldn't. I couldn't stop shaking long enough to get dressed, let alone drive. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't think straight. I felt so lost. To this day, I've never visited Casey's grave site. I have so much guilt over it, but I just can't bring myself to do it. It's almost like if I don't go, then it's not true. Maybe he is out there living a happy life somewhere. I know that isn't so, but sometimes it's easier to just wish it were. 

While some of the puzzle pieces surrounding Casey's death have been put together, we will never have real answers. The only person who can answer our biggest question, WHY?, is gone. 

I have a purpose to this post - other than sharing my loss with y'all. 

Suicide is right there, in our faces. Anyone can be affected by suicide, anyone. Did you know that it can be prevented? It's true. You can prevent suicide by talking about it, by being aware, and by paying attention to warning signs. 

Suicide has affected my life in many ways, directly and indirectly. I have personally known 5 people who have committed suicide. Five lives that didn't have to end. 

For more information on suicide prevention please visit http://www.afsp.org.

Love you and miss you Casey. Every single day. I pray for you, pray that you've found peace. I pray that you are watching over your Mama and your niece and your nephew. I pray that Mamaw is there with you and that you are dying her hair blue. I pray that you are listening to ridiculous amounts of Rodney Carrington and dancing and singing, and acting like a fool. I pray that you've got it turned up real loud too. I pray that you hear me when I talk to you. You know I'm talking to you right? All the time. I pray that someday it won't hurt so bad that you are gone. That someday I'll get to see your smile again, and hear you laugh. I pray that someday we'll be able to celebrate your birthday together again over pounds and pounds and pounds of really hot crawfish. I pray on every single holiday that you are looking down on me and your family and remembering all the fun we had together. Santa's Wonderland at Christmas time - a bag full of Payday candy bars on Halloween - and Valentine's Day - you always spoiled me. I pray that you know how much you mean to me and to everyone who loves you. We all miss you, so much.
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